Let me be clear to those of you who can’t spell, I’m talking about the listening variety so you can get your sick dirty minds out of the gutter and take your sexy time elsewhere.
Putting aside the fickleties of genre and accepting that there will inevitably be some crossovers, the civilised world can ultimately be categorised into four types. Well, technically five, but I’m not counting the deaf or hearing impaired. These four types are defined by how they choose to pleasure their ears. For simplicity’s sake, and the fact that I don’t know what music North Koreans listen to, I’m going to focus on defining these categories from a western perspective.
1.This group of people possess the power of the mob. Some would call them plebs. They are the lazy cretans, ignorant of the diversity and availability of potential ways to indulge their ears. Moreover, they are so single minded that they are sated by the simple and couldn’t be bothered trying something that might taste a little different.
They find meaning in stupid lyrics, claiming them to be witty, deep, or possessing prophetic meaning (see Jordan Sparks 'No Air' or anything by The Cranberries). They have a blind loyalty that is based on tabloid opinion that in turn informs their own opinions.
Unfortunately what is stopping these idiots from their own self destruction is that they tend to have a large buying power. When success in the music industry continues to be measured by how many records an artist sells and how much money they can make, it is this group who determines which artists are pushed, pulled, and signed, or not signed, as the next manufactured formula driven pop sensation. Let the public flogging in the commercial markets begin.
2.This group of people just aren’t interested. Some would call it playing it safe. They have never taken the time to develop their own aural desires because to them music is simply something to listen to. This group is happy to have their ears enslaved by what the idiot market deem to be worthy.
They often lack in loyalty, or purport a superficial loyalty based on what is in at the time. They let go when the time is past or if the case in point falls out of public favour. Molesting children (see Michael Jackson or Garry Glitter), shaving off their hair (see Britney Spears or Sinead O’Connor), and/or various assault charges (see Chris Brown or Akon) are all sure fire ways to become cases in point.
They have the foresight to occasionally listen to the more slightly left of centre because on the surface there is an appearance of substance (see Dido) or the suggestion of some intellectual complexity or social commentary (see U2). However, this group is ultimately content with shallow unimaginative lyrics that come gift wrapped in repetitive cliché hooks with a pretty card that contains a chorus they can sign a long to. And if the Category Ones are writing your letters to Santa, that’s exactly what you’re going to get.
3.This group of people seek out their own musical satisfaction. Some would call what they listen to “good” music. They actively and consciously engage with music. They have taken the time to develop their own knowledge and opinions about music and have their own ideas about what is aurally pleasurable.
They don’t immediately accept what is pushed by the commercial industry, but don’t reject it outright either. They are willing to listen and assess what is promoted by the Category Ones. They consider the potential merit of this music and more often then not they come back empty handed. But not disheartened.
They don’t reject bands based on principle simply because they find popularity, financial success, or mainstream commercial airplay (see Category Four). They stick with an artist/band as they evolve and have a genuine interest in the past, present, and future of their music as long as the aural pleasure continues. They don’t care if their tastes fall in and out of fashion (see David Bowie or The Rolling Stones) because their loyalty and fandom will continue despite the waxing and waning of point in time popularity.
This group is into inventive and creative music that hasn’t lost its sense of fun and is still composed with the humble intention of pleasing listeners. They look for music with appeal that goes beyond music for the masses or music for the sake of music. They listen to what they want to listen to and yes, this category is the most diverse and subjective.
4.This group of people have their own niche cliques. Some would say they epitomise music snobbery. They respect no one elses’ opinion but their own and the opinions of their select circle of friends. They revel in pretentious ego-stroking wankery and the back slapping that comes with their marvelling at their own magnificence of their own musical taste.
The music they like are artists/bands you never will have heard of. Well, unless you’re a Category Four. The music they listen to may include The Gin Club, Fleet Foxes, The Drones, Bon Iver, The Necks, Villains of Wilhelm, and/or The Kill Devil Hills. Well, actually that was the music they may have listened to once-upon-a-time ages-and-ages-ago. Now these cases in point have been tipped off to the public and become a little too in-vogue, they have been snubbed unceremoniously by their once so-called fans from Category Four.
They are the ones who go to gigs and stand stoically because bopping along disrupts their ability to “fully appreciate” the music. They’re most likely bored out of their brains but feign enjoyment and join the vain rave at the end of the show at just how absolutely delightfully obscure it all was. They don’t have the backbone to speak up and out about what they really like for fear that their actual opinion will destroy their illusion of cool and they will be rejected by the group.
They take their music “seriously”. By principle the music they listen to, or find it acceptable to listen to, can not be commercial and must never attain financial success. Their loyalty is fickle and artists are frequently dropped at the first signs of minor success, like getting your name on a tour poster or an article in Wikipedia. Oh, and did I mention at least one member of the band must have a beard? Yes, even if it’s an all female band.
Are my ears burning?Yes. I'm arrogant enough to admit I consider myself as part of Category three. I don’t know any deaf people, but I do have friends in every one of the other categories. You probably do to. I just don’t bother discussing music with anyone outside my own category. Just like the people in Category One or Category Four. As for the Category Twos, I expect they’ve got other more important things than music to talk about. So why categorise? I like making ontological distinctions, discriminating against the hearing impaired, and I always won categories as a kid.
